From promoting churches as wedding venues to encouraging Catholic families to invite single people over to witness the goodness of marriage, the LoveIRL summit sponsored by the California Catholic Conference gave youth and young adult ministers information and ideas to revitalize marriage and family ministry.
Held at the Cathedral of Christ the Light in Oakland, it drew 280 lay and ordained ministers, including eight bishops from every California diocese to the Sept. 27 summit that capped the year-long Radiate Love initiative.
Resources are online at cacatholic.org/radiatelove, and every diocese should now have staff who are prepared to carry the work forward at a parish level.
“The bishops wanted to create a summit specifically for people who work with youth and young adults, helping them with the resources and language to talk about marriage as a vocation to young people today,” said Kathleen Domingo, executive director of the California Catholic Conference.
Registration was far larger than anticipated. The “IRL” in the summit’s name means “in real life.”
The California bishops were inspired to create Radiate Love after hearing a talk by sociologist Brad Wilcox, author of Get Married: Why most Americans must defy the elites, forge strong families, and save civilization (Broadside Books, $32).
“A lot of the social science [Wilcox] is doing around satisfaction in marriage is changing the secular narrative that says that women do better and are happier when they’re not married,” Domingo said.
“Actually, the social science is showing just the opposite — that married women with children are some of the happiest people in the world.”
The bishops have seen marriage rates plummet for years. They wanted to make a case that would connect with more young people.
“For people in their 50s working in parish ministry, it might be difficult for them to talk about marriage to Gen Z. A lot of the language isn’t the same anymore. It doesn’t resonate,” said Domingo.
There were presentations on how teens and younger adults view love with distrust and don’t have marriage on their radar — and ways to “heal that culture and bring them back to an understanding of who they are, what they’re made for, and what love means,” she said.
One bishop urged priests to encourage engaged couples to raise the spirituality and lower the cost of their wedding by getting married at a Sunday Mass. Another gave an example of one priest in his diocese who, during a Sunday Mass, publicly urged couples to get married. A panelist spoke of her potluck wedding reception, with parishioners helping out.
“She said it was so freeing and so beautiful for them to get married young and make that choice without going into debt or postpone because of financial difficulties,” Domingo said.
Another participant mentioned a parish that used to be a popular site for weddings, but had seen a tremendous drop-off. Couples still thought it was a beautiful place and still wanted to get married, but secular advertisers were pushing them to secular venues. The parish response was to set up a booth for wedding vendor shows.
Two well-known Catholic family advocates, Damon Owens and Cristina Barba Whalen, were the event’s featured speakers, along with San Jose Bishop Oscar Cantú. Owens told Angelus News that the solidarity among such a diverse group of leaders was unlike anything he’d ever experienced before.
Owens is the director of parish growth for Communio.org, a ministry that uses data-driven strategies to help churches strengthen marriages among parishioners. His strategy? “Parish renewal through marriage revival.”
Los Angeles Auxiliary Bishop Marc Trudeau attended the summit as a panelist.
“In an increasingly fractured society in which isolation and depression seem to be the norm, we look to the faithful witness of married couples and their families as models of communion and hope,” Trudeau said. “Our faith in Jesus is the remedy for the division, anger, and violence that we experience around us.”
To that end, a theme that ran through many discussions was the need for accompaniment and for reclaiming the concept of the “domestic church” — the family that radiates the love of Christ from its home. That has become a lost experience for the many young people whose primary relationships are online.
A key is for Catholic families to open their homes and let their light shine.
“I think the overwhelming takeaway that people had was ‘Don’t be afraid to share your story,’ ” she said. “If you hear that someone just got engaged or if you know of a couple that’s dating, or if you have young children or grandchildren or nephews or nieces at home — talk to them about love. Tell them about marriage. Tell them how great it is.”
From Angelus News
Very tough. I think young people don’t know what marriage is, and I don’t think they are prepared to have healthy, enduring marriages. In my parish ministry, I’m aware of several young married couples whose marriages fell apart after about only one year of marriage. That was even after the Catholic marriage prep they were required to take. They wasted time and money on the “big day” while they neglected evaluating their compatibility and maturity and commitment to each other.
I would not recommend that any man get married without a prenuptial agreement. State marriage law unfairly penalizes men in divorce settlements. No man should take the risk of having half of his assets and future retirement income taken away from him because his wife after age 35 suddenly isn’t emotionally fulfilled and wants to take another stab at youth before she hits the wall. I’ve seen it and heard about it time and again. Have a prenup, and penalize the woman for walking out on the marriage unless you are at fault. No fault divorce is unfair to men.
Your post is not at all about the Catholic Holy Sacrament of Matrimony. It is all about secular, non-Christian, egocentric ideas of so-called “marriage.” A babyish young man asking for a “prenup” from a girl he pretends to “love?” Right after giving his “True Love” a beautiful gift of a diamond ring– and asking her to marry him? He is not mature enough to marry. The husband is usually the main breadwinner in a marriage– especially with children. If a divorce or annulment happens– the ex-wife usually suffers huge economic losses and hardships– especially with caring for children. A mature man in a failed marriage always faces his responsibilities to his ex-wife and poor children. Children of failed marriages suffer the most– lifelong.
Girls these days have been brainwashed by Disney movies to think that they deserve to marry Prince Charming and that marriage is all emotionally fulfilling bliss at every moment. Modern women are incapable of marriage. That’s why many men are opting out of dating. They realize the deck is stacked against them and have decided not to play the game anymore. I know I don’t intend to get married. I don’t want to risk ruining my life, which is already hard enough economically as a single man.
Prenup,
A prenuptial agreement is planning for one’s divorce. When one is committed for life, it’s going all in. Our Lord commanded husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. He sacrificed His life for us, even when we were, and are, unfaithful. He counted the cost, and paid it. Is it easy? Of course not. No vocation is. Yet, it is worth it, as is any vocation.
You are half-right about no-fault divorce. It is unfair to men. And, it’s unfair to women. A faithful spouse should not suffer as much loss as an adultery-committing spouse. Even business contracts work that way. The party violating the contract pays more. And, marriage is a covenant, much deeper than a contract. Covenants have life or death consequences. That’s why they’re not taken lightly or as temporary.
The Church does a disservice to couples when their marriages are witnessed and they’re not properly prepared. Many clergy don’t want to hurt their feelings. Yet, if a couple is living in serious sin and may not even know it, we’re placing a heavy burden upon them. Sacraments should not be denied, but they may be deferred; until individuals embrace Christ and life in His Church. That is the loving and Christ-like thing to do.
Catholic teaching states that a man and a woman must freely enter into a marriage, with an unconditional, lifelong commitment. Canon 1102 states that there must be no conditional agreements that are based on probable future separation or divorce– the Sacrament of Marriage must be a sincere and free decision, with an unconditional commitment of both the man and the woman, in order to be valid. A priest may allow a very rare prenup agreement, in the rare case of a second marriage– with children’s inheritances from a previous marriage– in case their parent dies. But those cases are very rare and not usually accepted.
Avoid the hardened modern feminists. They are certainly not Real Women. Find a lovely, traditional young woman at your parish church to date, who shares your Catholic Faith, has good values, and who believes in lifelong, traditional Marriage and Motherhood, with a good Catholic man. Be prepared to boldly take your chances, as a young man, asking a young woman out to dinner, paying for her meal, and behaving as a true gentleman to her. You will find the right kind of young woman, sooner or later, to consider for Catholic Marriage. Pray the Rosary, take a few chances, be patient.
With all due respect, Canon Law does not account for the reality that law and judges are biased against men in divorce settlements. There should be nothing wrong with preparing for the potential civil divorce of spouses ahead of time. It’s wise planning. Canon Law doesn’t prohibit people from purchasing life insurance. A prenuptial agreemint is like divorce insurance. Just like you don’t intend to die early but it’s wise to have life insurance just in case, you don’t intend to divorce but it’s wise to have a prenup just in case.
Celibate men have no clue what risks men assume when they marry these days. Celibate men don’t have to worry about the consequences of divorce. I wouldn’t listen to celibate men giving advice about marriage and divorce preparation.
This has nothing to do with celibacy. It has to do with a mature understanding of Marriage as a Sacrament and as a lifelong, holy Vocation in the eyes of God– not the misunderstandings of the modern, secular, “Me-oriented,” Godless, corrupt world and its human failings and evils. The Holy Sacrament of Matrimony is both a Sacrament– with Christ at the heart— and a lifelong Vocation. To offer oneself in holy, lifelong Marriage Vows is deeply serious. Motherhood is also a holy Vocation. Lifelong, holy vows to God as a celibate priest, “married to God”– is also a sacred Vocation– deeply serious. It is not a secular, “worldly job,” to earn money.
The celibate clergy do not have any expertise in the secular matter of marriage as a civil institution, whatever authority or expertise they might have regarding the sacrament of matrimony. Those are distinct legal realities, one civil and the other ecclesial.
Regarding marriage as a civil institution, it is regulated by federal and state law, as is the dissolution of civil marriages. Some of those laws on the books are unjust towards men/husbands. In such a situation of systematic, legally encoded injustice, it is not immoral for a man to attempt to protect himself with recourse to legal contracts such as a prenuptial agreement in the event that his spouse would seek to divorce him civilly for petty reasons.
If the woman won’t sign a prenup, don’t marry her; dump her immediately. By refusing to sign a prenup, she’s already telegraphing her intent to have an escape provided for her by the unjust marriage laws. If she is fair and loves you, she will sign the prenup.
Insurance, So, you won’t listen to St. Paul, St. John the Baptist, St. John Chrysostom, Archbishop Sheen or Saint John Paul? Even St. Paul’s direction in the Bible? How about our Lord Jesus Himself? I think all of them knew some married couples. I don’t think they’re clueless, as you claim.
I’m married. And, canon law applies to all of us who choose to remain in communion with the Catholic Church. (OK, we Eastern Catholics have a different set of canons, but they still apply to all.) And, life insurance is planning for one’s death (which is okay, even good), while a prenup is planning for one’s divorce (which isn’t). A husband should be willing to give up all for his wife. Or, don’t enter into it. How much does marriage cost a man or woman? Everything. How much did Christ pay for us and how much are His disciples called to sacrifice in following Him? Everything. I pray you see the wisdom of the teachings of Christ and His Church.
Natural role modeling for boys and girls — starting at birth– is highly important. Of course, some little boys may enjoy cooking, or artistic pursuits, and some little girls might enjoy scientific pursuits, or sports. That’s normal and natural, too. But regardless– you should be encouraged to take pride in yourself in being a boy or a girl. Kids should have a nice Dress Code at school, with boys in nice trousers and shirts, and girls in nice dresses or a skirt and blouse. Good manners and Morals should be taught and emphasized. In jr. high and high school, basic classes in dating, selecting a good future spouse, and Traditional Marriage and establishing a home, plus budgeting, home care, and childcare, should be taught, along with traditional Home Ec. Plus, planning for a traditional, nice church Wedding– all the basics! This used to all be deeply woven into our American culture, years ago. It all needs to be brought back.
This is good. My wife and I served in marriage preparation years ago when we were in our 30’s. A good point was made about generational differences. It’s true that “it might be difficult for them to talk about marriage to Gen Z. A lot of the language isn’t the same anymore.” Either “older” persons need to learn to communicate effectively with Gen Zers and/or we need more Gen Zers serving in marriage prep. Better yet, team up an older and younger couple. And, effective communication starts with good listening. It’s similar to our son and daughter-in-law teaching natural family planning while in their late 20’s. They were more understandable to and had more credibility with young couples. They were told that when people past their child-bearing years were teaching NFP, it didn’t seem as credible.
As for a potluck wedding reception, my wife and I had one 40 years ago. We asked people to bring food to share instead of a gift. Many brought both and we had more than enough delicious food of a wide variety. Even though the average wedding in California runs about $40,000, it doesn’t have to. May God bless couples discerning Holy Matrimony.
Many young people used to get married in their late teens/early twenties. Many young couples were ready for marriage after high school graduation. A college education was not always necessary. Basic K-12 educational standards were once much higher. During eras such as the Great Depression and WWII, when many families were poor, and many needed items were scarce, brides-to-be and their moms, families and girl friends, could make wedding dresses, going-away outfits, bridesmaid’s dresses, and accessories, pick flowers and decorate the church, and make a Wedding Banquet together. The Wedding was nearly always held at a church, and the bride’s family traditionally paid for it. A girl used to grow up with a traditional trousseau in a hope chest, with clothing, lingerie, jewelry, linens, china, and nice items collected for her future home.
We had what you might call a potluck wedding. Our vows were said in church, and the reception was at a relative’s house. I already had many kitchen and bathroom items as I worked at a store that sold them. Later, when another family member got married in church, one of our daughters was a flower girl, and I made her flower girl dress out of embroidered material that looked like the bride’s gown.. There is no need for weddings to cost a fortune.
I agree with Pope Francis, of fond memory, that the majority of marriages are probably invalid. I know that my diocese’s tribunal hands out annulments almost automatically. I don’t know anyone who’s been denied. I’ve never heard about anyone in OCIA having an annulment petition denied. That must mean that almost all marriages people enter into are invalid; otherwise, it wouldn’t be so easy to get annulments.
Pope Francis corrected his off-the-cuff remark later to “a portion of” marriages.” You and I and even the Pope don’t know how many. Though, probably for sure, too many.
You cannot establish Marriage and Family in a poisoned wasteland of rebellion and sin. How much more Satanic filth does our Church plan to “tolerate” in the false and cowardly name of “brotherly love?” Where are mandatory Catechism programs and mandatory discipline in the Church — including in all Catholic parishes, schools, seminaries and universities? Where are all the big bishops, cardinals and popes demanding a huge clean-up of our society– along with clergy from other churches and other religions? That is extremely important– long before ordaining any more priests or conducting any more weddings.
“Clean up needed on the main aisle. Clean up needed on the main aisle.”
Please get this done before brides walk down it.
And, before people approach for Holy Communion or ordination.
(The aisle for Confession seems okay. It seems not many use it.)
Most children have not had good examples of marriages, and I suspect it has always been so — just read the Bible – but contraception (aka the birth control pill) has only made it worse. My grandmother was married twice, so was my mother. My husband’s mother divorced his father before he died and remarried. From our family situations, there have been many children of divorce who had, two, three and four marriages themselves with relationships in between. The priest who catechized me left the priesthood to marry. The priest who married my husband and me left the priesthood to get married. It is a horrendous struggle to stay happily married. Divorce affects even the non divorced.
Bishops should be concerned that children raised Catholic have stopped attending Mass in huge numbers. Nevermind whether they are getting married. They are not going to Mass. My parish is about 70% Baby Boomers in the pews. You see hardly any families or single young people. It’s depressing. I don’t blame them, really. Mass is boring, the music is awful, and the homilies are immediately forgettable. I understand the thought that going to Mass is a waste of time. Bishops need to step it up, and so do pastors. Draw the young back to Mass with better celebrations of Mass, and then there will be more church marriages.
Yes, this a thousand percent. By focusing on the lack of marriages, bishops are attempting to treat something far down the road from the cause. Bishops should have become concerned decades ago when the young were noticeably absent from Mass. The young don’t want to be Catholic. So how are you going to persuade them to marry in the church. That water passed under the bridge long ago. The young are gone, man, and you’re just now worried about it. Too late.
Prerequisites for a long a happy marriage: Shared and practicing faith, a sense of humor, shared philosophies, similar backgrounds, emotional and financial intelligence, a sense of humor, respect for each other’s family, and lastly, a sense of humor.
Nice post Anne, and very prescient.
My father died when he was 52 and I was 12. My mother could have remarried, but did not. People would ask my mother why she never remarried and she would always answer, “I am married still to my one true love who is now in heaven”. She modeled marriage and fidelity to all five of her children (all of us have been married for fifty years and more).
In our large and extended family, we have children who are happily married, children who attend Mass, children and grandchildren who are divorced and children and grandchildren who don’t attend Mass. We weren’t children of divorce yet some of our own children/grandchildren chose divorce. Similarly with Mass attendance. We are so perplexed. What happened? We thought we were doing everything right.
Jesus said in Matthew that there is no marriage in heaven. Matthew 22:30
Her deceased husband was probably in purgatory, not heaven, besides. Still, Jesus made a point.
What happened? Everything got crazy in the 1970s after Vatican 2.
Anne TE: your post is a faithful depiction of most people’s reality. But one thing about ” the good old days:” those priests who left to get married – at least they married women.
Here is a link to a wonderful episode of “Life is Worth Living” by the incomparable Ven. Abp. Fulton J. Sheen, on “Love and Marriage.”
https://share.google/XXyQiH6sbZqiAhcFN
That is one of the books that helped me in my marriage of over 60 years. Another great book was by a Protestant pastor entitled, “The Grass Is Never Greener On The Other Side”, and truer words were never spoken. The point he made was that all grass (marriages) die if they are not watered, fertilized and cut properly. And polygamous, polyandrous or same-sex relationships do not solve the problem, but add worse problems.
Ven. Abp. Sheen wrote a famous book called “Three to Get Married.” Is that the book you are referring to? I am looking for a video of one of Ven. Sheen’s old TV shows, in which he describes picking out your lifelong spouse for Marriage, like a man would pick out one, special, beautiful flower, in a flower garden. No two flowers are the same. And God has destined you for just that one, very special person– and no other. Very romantic.
There is no such thing as “the one” whom God has destined you to marry. Romantic nonsense. There are thousands of human beings compatible with you. You find one of those in the course of your life, make a commitment, and make the best of it. God gives grace in the sacrament of matrimony to Christian marriages. He does not decide ahead of time that you should marry this or that particular individual.
Only two people get married. God is not a partner to the marriage. Nothing in Catholic sacramental theology nor in canon law says that three get married. Bishop Sheen was wrong.
No, God calls a person to a definite vocation – Marriage or the priesthood or religious life. God does not “call” you to marry just anyone. He calls you very definitely to marry one particular person! You just have to discern that calling carefully, and follow His Will for you. Many people receive strong intuitive graces from God, telling them that “this is the right one,” when they meet their future spouse. Same thing with a boy who “just knows” he wants to become a priest, or a girl who “just knows” she wants to become a nun– it often becomes their destiny, in adulthood– just like Pope Leo XIV! Or St. Therese of Lisieux.
No, you misunderstand Catholic sacramental theology. Marriage is a holy Sacrament. All Sacraments come from Christ, Who gives you the graces of that Sacrament. In the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, there is a Third Person– Jesus Christ– Who unites a couple in His Love, and bestows many graces in their union, lifelong– and also sends them children, gifts of their union in Christ.
Reply to “Sheen not a Saint,” You stated, “God is not a partner to the marriage.” That seems inaccurate. All Sacraments are performed by Christ, administered by humans, in the case of marriage in the Latin (Western) Church, the couple themselves. After baptism and faith, Christ and the Holy Spirit dwell in us (as, of course, does the Father). We live in the life of the Most Holy Trinity and the Most Holy Trinity lives within us. How then could God live in us without partnering with us? I’m open to correction from the teachings of the Church, but I think you’re mistaken, if you’re taking about Christian Matrimony, a Sacrament.
These days I trust very little that the institutional church does or sponsors.
A lot of people have silly, stupid ideas about marriage.
The secret is out. Young people have figured out that they don’t need the church. The church needs them. In 15 years, there won’t be many parishes left functioning.
The LA Archdiocese recently laid off or forced into retirement about 1/3 of its staff. It’s only going to get worse.
God has a very definite plan and a definite purpose of His own, for each life that He has created. We each must pray and discern His plan and purpose for us, and follow His Divine Will. If we do so, great and beautiful Divine blessings will follow– no matter what trials we may have to endure. My mom knew at age 16-going-on-17, when she first met my dad, that this was the “one” God chose for her to marry. They had nearly 70 years of married love together! They did not believe in divorce– nobody in my family believed in divorce, except for one person. They believed that you work things out, and trust. Trust that your marriage is right, because God has intended it to be. Trust. My mom once told me, that it is important to have faith in your marriage, faith in your husband, and faith in yuorself– and faith in God. Never use birth control, either– have faith. When you have faith in God, faith in your marriage, and faith in your husband– and faith in yourself– and do things right– then, everything always will work out right, in the end– just as God intended it to be! My mom reprimanded one of her older brothers– who was a rising star in the California corporate world– but was failing at home, with his wife and kids. He shamefully paid off a Spanish priest for an annulment (pre-Vatican II) and also got a divorce, and left the Church. My mom then tried to help him change his life.
Seems to me God’s plan would be better if he would just tell everyone what it is instead of making people guess and get it wrong and make bad choices.
Men shouldn’t be expected to read women’s minds. We shouldn’t be expected to read God’s mind either.
As a Catholic, you should be taught by the Church how God wants us to live. It is no mystery. People get into trouble when they disobey God. And everyone should have a prayer life and develop a relationship with God. If you don’t, then you should ask your priest for help in this. It is very important to learn how to pray– and learn how to quietly listen to God. You should always ask God to help you in prayer, when you have important decisions to make. Never try to make a major decision in life– like marriage or the priesthood— until you sense that this is the right thing that God is calling you to do. Wait until you get a clear answer.
My mom’s older brother, who was very smart and successful at business, yet was a failure at marriage and family life– was married to a lovely Spanish lady from a well-to-do family in the Philippines. My uncle had business worldwide with the company he worked for. He was of Italian heritage and spoke fluent Italian and Spanish. This is a terrible hypocrisy– but the well-to-do Spanish family of my aunt was horrified at their daughter being “divorced” and Catholic. (This was in pre-Vatican II.) When she returned to her family in the Philippines, they hoped to help her get another Church marriage someday, somehow— deviantly!! — with the phony annulment. And my mom tried hard to help that one brother– a successful San Francisco “fast paced life” businessman– and a total failure at Marriage and Family– to reform his life. And he finally did! Marriage and children are “No. 1” in life, always. Everything else (success, talents, money) is less important. Now they are all gone (deceased)– with some life lessons I will never forget.
Reply to Sheen not a saint: Bishop Fulton Sheen said it takes three to get married-you, your spouse, and God because he believed God is the foundation of a successful marriage. God is the source of true love that makes a marriage complete and enduring.
The Church now teaches that the death penalty should not be allowed. A recent Pope also taught that life in prison is another form of death penalty. If a man finds himself in a bad marriage, he now has another option to get out of the marriage. Men should not afraid getting married anymore.
Your comment makes no sense. I’ve read it a half-dozen times. What is the other option for getting out of a bad marriage?
We have freedom, which means God has to improvise around what we choose.
Taylor Swift is a metaphor for modern American women becoming evil and unmarriageable.
I feel sorry for Travis Kelce. He’s already whipped. She’s so not worth it.
Don’t besmirch evil and umarriageable women by comparing them to Taylor Swift.