The following comes from a July 31 posting by Devin Rose on HeroicVirtueCreations. com.
Jesus said, “Everyone who sins is a slave to sin,” and no one knows that more than I, who once was enslaved to lust through pornography. I was a slave because I could not control my desires; they controlled me.
The habit of lust wore deep ruts in my soul, ones that the wheels of my interior car could not escape from on their own. It took God’s grace for those ruts to be filled in, slowly, over the course of years. Then it took more years for the habit of purity to take root and grow into a towering oak tree, one that could not easily be cut down.
I want to explain to women especially how powerful this compulsion to lust is in men, especially in those of us who were addicted to pornography for years, even from the early teens. I knew it was wrong; I wanted to stop doing it, but I couldn’t. Even once I became a Christian, the desire to look lustfully at women and be impure with myself was stronger than my nascent virtue.
But that virtue, that starts as a little sapling, has God’s grace to give it resilience and spring in its stem. Every time lust smashed it down, it righted itself again and kept growing. Leaves were ripped off; it grew more to replace them. This was through God’s grace of repentance, confession, and forgiveness, through the Eucharist, and through those human helps that Christ offers to us: friendship, prudence about being alone with computer access, and so on.
It can be devastating for a woman to discover that her husband looked lustfully at other women via pornography and was impure with himself. It feels like an awful betrayal, and while it is a betrayal, I would caution against excessive over-reaction to it. The power of the compulsion caused by the evil habits is incredibly strong; it is thus not that your husband is personally attacking you, but this vice which compels him to lust. The common enemy is not your husband, but the vice. And you, along with God, are his greatest ally in overcoming this sin.
There are tons of faithful Catholic men, the majority most likely, who struggle with this sin. They are good husbands, fathers, brothers, uncles, friends, but they are still fighting this difficult fight. If your husband doesn’t struggle with this sin, rejoice, for he is the exception, not the rule. But if your husband does struggle with it, take heart, because he can and will conquer this evil and grow strong in the virtue of purity. God can overcome anything, and He gives grace to every man to resist this temptation.
For men, always remember that God will forgive you. Go to confession, as many humiliating times as it takes. Go to Mass often, for the Church teaches that the Eucharist strengthens us against mortal sin. Learn about the theology of the body; study and meditate on God’s beautiful plan for you and your spouse, consider the man you want to be for your daughters and your sons.
For women, be patient with your husband. Do not despair. Do not over-react. He will know how hurt you are by it; how betrayed you feel. He needs to ask for your forgiveness, and you need to forgive him. This may need to be done every week, or every month, or every so often. Pray for him; encourage him in it; work together to find ways to minimize the temptations he may face.
God set me free from this sin, and he can set you free as well. It took years for me, and blessedly they were before I met Katie, but that is not the case for many couples. Christ is faithful and will set you free to love. God bless!
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Beautifully shared…and happily received…what man has not struggled with the intoxicating vision of a gorgeous woman…glowing with radiant beauty and fiery sex appeal! Yes it is a problem…for all men…some more than other’s, but a struggle none the less. Women need to be cognizant when they are in the community whether they be at a grocery store, restaurant, gas station and especially at mass…DRESS MODESTLY! Man is hard wired to procreate and the catalyst for this reproductive urge is the beauty of woman!…this biological urge, which subconsciously drives man to want to spread his genetic material into the community was formed over eons of time…unlike animals, we can do something about it!…we must harness this urge, to be shared exclusively with our spouse, with procreation and shared intimacy, as the primary reason for sex…pleasure is a by-product, that last a short period of time…most sex-addicts don’t seek orgasm, as an end in itself…it is the “ritualization” and constant variety that causes this addiction to escalate and become an ignominious parasite in our soul…in fact, it hopes to take your soul…it cannot…God is incalculably more powerful than “any” compulsion or addiction…even one as deeply ingrained as this, with it’s own built in biological component.
Devin Rose you are a good man because you have admitted how hurtful this is for wife’s and mothers too, who have someone close to them, that they love who are addicted to porn. God bless you for being that voice and helping men own up to this growing problem that is hurting marriages and their families. May our Lord bless you and be your strength always!
Women and girls should be thoughtful about the clothing they wear to Mass. Some wear extremely short skirts, tight skirts, see-through blouses and plunging necklines. Surely they must know better. Perhaps it’s time for a homily about what is proper to wear to church.
Isn’t this article about Porn? Am I missing something here??
Abeca,
Have you ever heard the term “porn on the hoof”?
God bless, yours in Their Hearts,
Kenneth M. Fisher
Sarah, it is up to your Parish Priest (and Diocese Bishop) to make a statement about the proper dressing for Mass.
We are supposed to be at Mass to honor our Lord.
Al,
YES, they should speak out, but If you wait for them to make such a statement, you may very well be los as are they!
God bless, yours in Their Hearts,
Kenneth M. Fisher
It’s not just about what’s proper attire for church. What’s proper attire for appearing in public? Can necklines get much lower, or hemlines any higher? I am embarrassed when I see women on TV that look like they are dressed for a coctail party rather than for work. To me, female anchors on Fox are particularly offensive.
I agree without reservation that proper attire must be addressed at Mass during the homily and as the subject matter of the homily, – not as an “oh, by-the-way” with a little embarrassing chuckle… Each Spring and Summer, there should be a deliberate address on this, especially since the “fashion industry” likes to promote their whatever-it-decides-to-be-the-fashion-you-women-and girls-will wear-because-we-decide, – and-you-don’t-get-to.” Also, women and girls are easily distracted by other women and girls who dress provocatively and they, – whether they realize this at the time or not – do comparisons of themselves and others as to how they themselves look, i.e. ” do I look nice; she looks so good and oh what a figure” and on and on…….. There should be a sign on the inside entrance door from the vestibule area where the sign will be plainly viewed that can say somehow (now don’t be shy now – as this does need to be somehow cunningly direct) that women and girls are to be dressed as they would like Jesus Himself to see them. As for men and boys, – no muscle shirts that cause women and girls to stare and to think ” oh what a ‘stud’ he is. Guys, you don’t want to be thought of as an object to be used for utilitarian purposes, do you…… Dress becomingly, – no matter what the “fashion” industry dictates. Mass will then be what Mass is meant to be and we will have nothing to feel uncomfortable about and we will experience joy that only comes from our Dear Lord God! Even our Blessed Mother said “Do as He says.” I hope that this is helpful……
Women also struggle with lust. The recent news that a British hotel has replaced the Gideon Bibles with the book “50 Shades of Grey” an erotic novel shows the acceptance of porn, sexual fantasy and sexual deviancy. Women may not need to turn to graphic porn to stimulate sexual and emotional fantasy and so it can be even more easily hidden than a man’s use of porn.
Women should dress modestly out of self-respect and respect for men in general, and dress modestly nearly to a fault in church, where people go to worship Our Lord, of course. However, all of us are responsible for our thoughts, including men. Since men know that women want to find a love to cherish, men often use that knowledge to use women for sex by pretending to love them. Since men are known frequently to lust after women and to resort deceiving women for purposes of sexual exploitation of women, why is it that so many women not only allow themselves to be used but seem to dress in ways to invite this? Because they are desperate for love and feel they can’t compete successfully unless they up the ante by adding sexual allure to the mix in order to attract a number of males, from which they can choose one or more. Biological drives and their various sneaky perturbations must be understood in order to be recognized in oneself and others and kept under control until marriage, which ideally in our culture is based on love and respect, though sometimes on opportunism and exploitation, not to mention superficial motivations having to do with looks and money.
Maryanne thank you I completely agree…
Been down this road,,, still going down it though most of the cross is lifted, but not all…. this is an insidious vice,,, it takes along time to get those images out of your head….Kyrie Eleison
Men can not blame women. There will always be a few women who dress provocatively. Those who blame others will not repent.
Men must take full responsibility for their own actions. We will all be judged for our own sins. Men must fight the temptation of pornography themselves.
Porn is a sin for both sexes, and also those who have SSA.
CCC: “2396 Among the sins gravely contrary to chastity are masturbation, fornication, pornography, and homosexual practices. “
This isn’t just about porn. Rose mentions his early teens. Why did that happen? Sexual addiction often has its roots in early childhood trauma, with innocent boys reaching puberty in a disfunctional state and never knowing sexual normalcy. The Catechism notes mitigation of culpability when certain factors present.
Addiction is one of those factor’s…addiction is often referred to as the “sacred disease”…once a person is in full addictive “melt-down”, they are not as culpable as other’s who dabble in sin…the addict is like a child that isn’t properly formed…it is still growing in spiritual maturity…sadly, sometimes all you can do is hold their hand to the grave…
AL I agree…I appreciate your words….often I find that men use excuses but never get to the root. God bless you for telling it like it is….praise God for common sense.. I also hate it when women use that excuse too….they blame other women but in their own words and actions take away the responsibility for a man to choose a holy path.
This is so relevant and must surely be a help to those struggling with this addiction. What is sad is many of the women dressing so immodestly are often victims of sexual abuse themselves who only see themselves as sexual objects. Judging by that recent best selling hard porn book ‘shades of gray’, many women are also becoming hardened addicts, as well . Mr. Rose’s beautiful testimony must surely give hope to those who feel they haven’t any.
Many younger women dress provocatively because their boyfriends or husbands look at women dressed that way and make comments, therefore the girlfriends and wives try to compete. In the end, though, a woman should realize that dressing attractively or beautifully but decently gives one self respect, self confidence and one gets treated better in the long run, without the guilt attached to having men oggle one and make obscene comments.
Yes, it’s about pornigraphy…the imagery is about nudity and scantily clad women…this is what is being discussed…when a man sees a woman in a short tight skirt, that looks like it was spray painted on, with no hose and stiletto’s…throw in she is bronzed, gorgeous, waxed and shiny…it only compounds the problem…BIGTIME!…Women don’t help the matter by running around looking like strumpet’s…dress modestly!…men are visual…if a woman doesn’t want to be objectified as a sex object, than stop dressing up like a hoochie-mama! Pornography is an evil, insidious blight, that has become even more destructive and accessible, since the advent of the internet. Remember, a toe-hold becomes a foothold and a foothold becomes a strong-hold…
I knew a porn star years ago in the Valley, she was friends with a buddy of mine that lived in Panorama City…I found her revolting, but my friends buzzed around her like mosquito’s on a humid, summer night in Detroit!…I stayed far away, and she sensed my repulsion…boy was she right! She was shameless, hopefully she has changed her ways and mended her wicked, wicked ways…I think she lives in Ohio now…so sad…
Everything can be changed for the good…STOP what you are doing…you cannot live in the past, this causes depression, you cannot live in the future, for this will only cause anxiety…you can only live in the NOW…you make that choice how you choose to live…yes, evil exists in our world…but their is far more good than evil…the more we grow, the less we are inclined to replay the “tapes”…those tapes that keep us in bondage…I was addicted to pornography…one day I stopped, I was saturated with this visual pollution…I was as full of this visual swill as a person could get…I didn’t agonize anymore, I didn’t feel shackled, I felt liberated…the women I viewed as objectified protein packets for the purpose of carnal pleasure, now became my sister’s…the causation of this problem was imprinted in my subconscious as a child…I was unable to filter certain damaging expreinces that led to this cause, and it’s effect was dreadful…ON ME!…once I understood this, I walked away…now instead of using, I am loving…when we sin, we really are only hurting ourselves…when we love ourselves, we will stop hurting ourselves…that’s what porn does, it stops you from loving…
My husband and I bought a beautiful home in an upscale area with lake views and ridiculously expensive cars, and when the house across the street from us went up for sale, who should buy it but a pornography company owner and his porno star wife. They made movies all over that house and outside by the pool with a view across the wilderness, and they had frequent, loud parties, all within the view and the hearing of the neighbors who lived higher up the hill than they.
The husband was constantly and openly untrue to his wife, who was, so I’m told, as miserable as a human being could be. Despite being young, beautiful and rich, she took drugs and drank a lot, and one day she “accidentally” drove her magnificent automobile right off a Malibu mountain road overlooking the sea.
I can only imagine she is even more miserable now, and this is how the story ends of one porno movie queen lusted after, I presume to this day, by men drawn into this snake-filled den of pornography.
Maryanne Leonard,
Thank you dear sister in Christ for sharing that sobering story! My relative who is a very faithful Catholic priest said something years ago. He referred to pornography as one of the final plagues of civilization. Your post certainly attests to this. It is a terrible reality that due to the diabolical disorientation of this time, how many people there are that might read and ignore what you just wrote and tuck that warning away when the next temptation comes a calling.
O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee!
Pornography comes from the Latin porno graphia meaning “HARLOT WRITING”
God bless, yours in Their Hearts,
Kenneth M. Fisher
Catherine and Maryanne good comments. It is also a sadness and deeper than what we see on the outside. I wonder who lied to that woman and told her that she was worth trash….that is why she turned to drugs and who knows what else. She never met Jesus, He is there for her but what drove her to that path has blinded her…her sins of course but what got her there and who kept lying to her…..perhaps she didn’t have a devoted someone to pray for her? That man took his wife and used her and told her that she was trash. Not literally but that is how he treated her…..no one can truly be happy….there is something deeper, a wound that only our Lord can heal. God have mercy.
Our Church’s concern for the positive use of sex is laudatory, but the obsession the Church frequently shows with all things sexual isn’t. Sex needs to be placed in our lives as something good to be enjoyed and celebarated, not as something that is always repulsive and shameful. Indeed, the Chruch’s centuries old harshness on this subject is something most US Cahtolics treat as the crazy aunt kept in the attice . After all, the laity are not priests, brothers and nuns who must be celibate for life. The laity are real people with real problems in the area of family size and striving for a happy marriage.
“Moderation in all things” is the best wisdom. Sex needs to be placed in a holy but enjoyable meleiu, not something evil and dirty that should repel people. Remember, the harsh and shameful rhetoric on sex is what got us the 1968 encyclical on sex, better known as Humanae Vitae.
Wow, —-cause, you are so totally out there! Do they still read newspapers and watch tv news on your planet? I would say what you just wrote is so appallingly in error that I am bereft of speech. I would recommend, however that you actually read Humanae Vitae. Also, try thinking with that which God designed specifically for that function and use the other apparatus for procreation with your wife. A brain doesn’t come with a high trade-in value for being in like-new condition with hardly any wear.
goodcause I don’t know what you are talking about…..what you say is already so…making love is a beautiful gift for a husband and wife to share. In my generation is has always been such but porn is a No No and truly filth and a true distortion to what making love really is.
Something as celebrated? Wow goodcause even your language is disturbing to me…maybe you are not conveying well, Ill try to give you the benefit of the doubt but this article has nothing to do with what you just said, it is about porn…dirty old disgusting immoral lustful porn…that is a sin!
Malignant self-love is narcissism…every person I have met, who was enslaved to porn, was in bondage to this personality disorder (although all who use porn are not narcissist’s, though many are)…somatic narcissist’s are often drawn to porn…it lends itself to visual and self stimulation with oneself…the somatic narcissist is incapable of loving others, because they are enamored with self…porn provides a perfect outlet for this disorder…
My exposure to pornography came as I was on the cusp of adolescence…my school chums had fathers with “playboy” lying about the bedroom, not even hidden, they would share this forbidden material with me, and my mind whirled at the naked flesh that was generously plastered on each and every page! Even as a small child, I remember touching a woman’s thigh at the airport, (she was furious, as well she should have been, not at me, but my dad!) I couldn’t have been more than 6 years old, and already I was sexualized…usually, before the age of 6, children respond to what they are exposed to, without the use of a filter, only as they grow through lifespan are they able to use a filter to sift through material that could be injurious to them, either physically, spiritually, or psychologically. The traumatic experiences I “may” have experienced is buried in my subconscious…this may helped to form this latent addiction to porn. My great grandfather was a priest from Barcelona Spain, he impregnated a woman, who was a Pacific Islander, yes…my great-grandfather was a Catholic priest…
I’m sensing that some here are just off subject….this is about porn.. this should get people to own up and realize how wicked that industry is…what it does to families, even those women in the porn movies and the men too,,,,,they are also needing some rehabilitation….I usually notice that people don’t get talking about how this hurts marriages, society and everyone.
A good friend of mine, she is a holy devout Catholic mum. But her husband was addicted to this stuff….lots of issues there, even priests wouldn’t have any compassion toward the wife, instead they kept advising her how to please her husband more so he won’t be lead to porn. Like it was her problem, her views were that you never say “no” to when you husband is calling, so intimacy was not the issue in their marriage. Now they are separated, the priests that they confined in didn’t really help, it seemed like they had very high expectations of the wife more than putting the responsibility on the husband. Priests are human too and its best to seek help from a professional either from a faith background or what have you, to help with those issues…remembering that not all priests are equipped to understand the complexity of those issues…I feel for my friend, she is separated now….they have 5 kids.
See the 8/1 comment by Anonymous, which is correct. Why do others keep inisisting that “this is about porn!” ?? They’re obviously not sex-addicts, so also obviously should tone down their strong opinions about an extraordinarily complex condition. Divide the comments here into 2 camps – those speaking from experience versus those relating their observations of the experience of others. Pay more attention to the first group. Porn is a huge problem, but it is a side-light nonetheless. The problem, once and for all, is sex addiction, which is absolutely, now and forever, please, NOT DEPENDENT ON PORN. Get it.
There are countless of marriages, even faith based families, who have some kind of struggle with this. They even made a movie from a protestant company called “Fireproof”. The movie does give an aspect of reality in that. Of course it is not an easy addiction for many to give up. It can destroy lives and in some cases, it can lead some to other forms of porn, you have child porn(which is illegal but that doesn’t stop the perverts) , homosexual porn and I heard that there is porn with animals.
It is disgusting no matter what but it is something we need to expose and to help get rid of. It destroys people spiritually and it degrades the human spirit and dignity.
Virtue needs to be taught more and discussed in homilies..to be owner of our eyes. See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil.
errata: The narcissist who is more likely to be addicted to porn would be the “cerebral narcissist”…although the somatic narcissist could also be addicted to porn…these forms of auto-erotic narcissist, seek sources of narcissistic supply, one uses his looks, the other his mind…the cerebral wants to impress with his keen intellect, while the somatic wants to impress with his buff-physique or chiseled profile…both are potentially dangerous and should be avoided with the same dread as one has for a black mamaba
What is the hallmark of the cerebral narcissist? It’s going around proclaiming your intellectual superiority and calling other simplistic. Gee….sounds like Skai to a T.
I for one am grateful that our parish talks about this addiction and even provides articles and pamphlets in the church to help people find ways to break the cycle.
Our pastor even mentioned some internet software that people can purchase and install on their computers, which PREVENTS them from being able to access porn on that computer — sort of like an alcoholic removing booze from his home.
Apparently, Amy fisher, the lolita and now woman of 30 something, who shot Joey Buttafuco’s wife in the face from point blank range, was making hard-core triple x -rated skin flick’s…sick man…words cannot express how utterly revolting her and her life choices have been…attempted murder, that burgeon’s into a porn career…shocking, positively shocking…her fame is adultery, attempted murder and doing the “deed” on film…
Daniel 13: [8] And the old men saw her going in every day, and walking: and they were inflamed with lust towards her: [9] And they perverted their own mind and turned away their eyes that they might not look unto heaven, nor remember just judgments.” [56] …beauty hath deceived thee, and lust hath perverted thy heart.” Nothing about addiction or the way women clothe themselves … Susanna even wore a veil.
Wisdom 14:12 For the beginning of fornication is the devising of idols: and the invention of them is the corruption of life.” Ecclesiastes 28:38 “…he shall give his mind to the resemblance of the picture, and by his watching shall finish the work.”
“This is about Porn!”
Yes, to the extent that porn is the obvious symptom and sign of the problem.
Perhaps, in order that people understand better the nature of the problem, you might consider it similar to overeating. Eating is necessary for life, but when the desire to eat becomes disordered, or eating becomes a substitute for something or a way to deal with other problems, it is very hard to control, because unlike other addictions, it cannot be stopped cold turkey. The sex drive is very similar. It is hard wired into a man, and it is most often triggered by visual stimulation. There is no need for childhood trauma or emotional injury for this problem to develop. Often, there is nothing more at the root than a constant immersion in a society that eagerly displays immodest images while telling people that it is natural, healthy, and if it feels good do it! Any catholic should understand that the bulk of advertising is an appeal to concupiscence, no matter if they are selling cars, burgers, or women’s fashions. Avoiding visual temptations is so difficult as to be impossible.
The first step to controlling the problem (beyond cliches like recognizing the problem) is custody of the eyes. The man who is suffering from this cross MUST avoid looking at attractive women. That will strike women as extreme, because they do not experience the same reactions to visual stimuli as men do. Also, is seems extreme because it is almost impossible to do. Women are beautiful and everywhere, so the suggestion that one avoid looking at them appears ridiculous. It is a necessary first step, however. Regaining self mastery through not looking twice at an appealing sight is much easier that refusing to perform a habitual action after one is feeling lustful.
Porn can be fatal. And they walk among us … porn fiends such as the sodomite who rammed me from behind with his shopping cart this afternoon. Then he got all hollywoodish upset with a little hissy fit when I told him I didn’t like his kind of people. He knew exactly what I was talking about. These kreeps no doubt spend every waking hour drooling over gay porn. They spot some dude in public that they get all gayed up about, and then plot their repulsive moves. Same sort of thing happened in a public pool one day in Wash DC, as I reached for the end of the lap, this idiot with no self control and a sodomic grin on his face stuck his infernal toes where my hand was going to touch the pool ledge. They should be arrested for sexual harrassment … and for their own safety and protection from the social consequences of their depraved actions.
Skai, what you posted is also the reality for women, who are constantly subjected to overtures from men rooted in lust, and confusing overtures from men covered up by civil discourse in which we think we are conversing with a fellow human being on a respectful basis and then suddenly realize, “Oh, no! Not again.” This has been my experience from about age 13 to the present time, even into older years. We women too struggle to retain our dignity and try not to shame the other person (occasionally they are even women!) while making sure they realize that their overt or hidden agendas are dead in the water. It is enough to make a person wish to be hidden in a burka or afflicted with extreme unattractiveness.
Which, Maryanne, is why it is so critically crucially important and utterly necessary to protect children and raise them morally. The damage that often occurs otherwise can devastate kids’ lives year after year all life long. The bishops do not seem to care, and yet they are “fathers” in the stead of the Holy Father, who is formed by God to represent God the Father. At least that is my understanding, which I’m questioning, about the essential function of a bishop. (Yeah yeah some nit head will pop up with some canned formulae summing up the function of a bishop … but these wako simpletons never have the ability to explain the formulae.)
Most Catholic wives would cry foul if their lustful husbands want to amp up the frequency of sexual intercourse in their marriage. Lust in the Catholic bedroom is a good thing, it’s lust outside of the bedroom that should be the concern. The abovementioned opinion piece doesn’t distinguish between the two. We’re laypeople, not monks.
Our Church’s track record in “pelvic politics” has been very poor. The 1968 Humanae Vitae encyclical reinforced a sexual ethic that not only was harshly anti-sex but all but guaranteed indiscriminate breeding in Catholic families because so-called “natural family planning” is anything but. The overwhelming rejection of Rome’s point of view, combined with the widespread sexual problems of priests, including child sexual abuse, speaks volumes about where the real sexual problem in our Church is—-Rome.
As Our Popes have stated:
” One should not dress in such a way as to
indicate that one will behave sinfully.”
AND:
” One should not dress to accentuate
the sexual parts of one’s body.”
It is hard for us men to not notice
such women – blest with such beautiful
bodies.
BUT:
If they don’t see us men turn our heads
so quick and so often they may return
quicker to being beautifull persons and
not just beautiful objects.
I guess I have to try harder.
Michael, have you ever noticed? Women really try hard to please. When we teach our females that we want them to put substances all over their faces and bodies to make themselves more pleasing to men, they will do that and make billionaires out of the suppliers of ridiculous and unnecessary products women are convinced are required to please a man. If we teach our females that we want them to be good human beings and teach them how to turn to Our Lady for the best possible example of how to be a good woman, women and girls will do all they can to emulate her and thereby please men.
In our society, we never see ads or even read articles, other than in church, that teach us how to please others by being good people; we are taught to look like as close to prostitutes as possible without being arrested. Our society forms our children more than our families and churches do; those of us who want better outcomes for our world will definitely have to work hard to offer it, and using the media to do this is the fastest way in today’s world. Write books, make movies, and sing songs of good women, and you will see more women working to please others by actually being pleasing human souls. Do your part, or extoll virtues in women you know, and you will help change the world, one heart at a time.