The following comes from a Sept. 17 posting on Christian Headlines.
Feminist writer Amanda Marcotte might have agreed with C.S. Lewis, who said, “Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.” On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that Lewis would not have agreed with her about what she recently called a tyranny.
Marcotte, responding to a study from researchers at North Carolina State, has inveighed against what she calls “the tyranny of the home-cooked family dinner.” Writing in Slate, Marcotte says that for many working moms, the stress of the home-cooked meal outweighs the many social benefits. “The main reason people see cooking mostly as a burden,” she says, “is because it is a burden. It’s expensive and time-consuming and often done for a bunch of ingrates who would rather just be eating fast food anyway.”
Now I can agree with Marcotte that family dinners can be a source of stress, especially for really busy families like mine. But the benefits are undeniable. According to the Family Dinner Project, “sharing a family meal is good for the spirit, the brain and the health of all family members.” Family dinners are correlated with lower rates of drug abuse, teen pregnancy, and depression, as well as better grades and higher self-esteem. Studies also show that family talk around the table boosts vocabulary better than reading, and that the stories told help kids develop resilience. And if you ask me, it’s a source of identity formation too.
Look, setting aside time for a home-cooked meal, and then actually pulling it off, is hard work—really hard work, especially these days. I’m on the road a ton, speaking at conferences and such, so the Stonestreet household isn’t a textbook example of how to do the family dinner. But let me tell you—whenever possible, we get it done.
Let me rephrase that a bit: my lovely bride, Sarah, gets it done. She’s amazing. Despite her other important callings—including homeschooling our girls and working at church—somehow, some way, Sarah orchestrates our family dinners. Now, I’ve been told I’m a pretty mean griller, but that’s only because Sarah is a master marinate-or. Trust me, she’s the real star, and she’s teaching my daughters how to love people and show hospitality too. In fact, when a friend recently told me we have the family dinner down to an art, it’s because when he showed up, our daughters decided to be the wait staff, printing menus and everything. Trust me—that doesn’t happen every night, but we still make the family dinner a priority.
And the good news is, we don’t have to be perfect. The goal is not to be June Cleavers or Martha Stewart. It’s to be together. Quoting Chesterton, Jerry Root and my colleague Stan Guthrie say in their book, “The Sacrament of Evangelism“, “if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.” In other words, it’s better to try and fail, and then improve with practice, rather than simply to fail to try at all.
If you’re willing to try, here’s a few suggestions. To save time, according to Dr. Ann Fishel of the Family Dinner Project, use store-bought ingredients. Prepare double batches of food over the weekend, and quickly heat them up during the week. Teach children to help. Fishel says, “Elementary-aged kids can set and clear the table, pour the drinks and be involved in some food preparation. … Sharing in all the tasks of dinner only makes this more of a family event.”
That’s good advice. To keep anyone from feeling the “tyranny” of the family dinner, everyone should help.
But here’s another piece of advice, courtesy of Sherry Turkle. When it comes to technology, make the dinner table “sacred space.” In other words, turn off the TV, smartphone, and tablet. Just talk. Do devotions. Discuss the day’s events. Tell jokes, play word games. I meet many families who tell me they print out that day’s BreakPoint and have a family discussion. If you need some help getting started, a helpful book is “150 Quick Questions to Get Your Kids Talking“, by Mary DeMuth.
Remember, family dinners don’t have to be a tyranny. They can, and should be, a treasure.
To read the original story, click here.
Cooking for your family, is a big responsibility! It is also a joy, and a wonderful way to love and nurture your family! For those who claim coldly, that they are “too busy,” — these people are NOT OLD ENOUGH for the responsibilities of marriage and family life!! When you get married, it is time to GROW UP!! CHANGE YOUR LIFE!! Your husband and children are a BIG RESPONSIBILITY!! And being a good wife and mother, is a true and womanly PROFESSION!! Women not so long ago, in the era of June Cleaver (and my favorite, Ruth Martin, of “Lassie”) — took it seriously, and were MASTERS OF THEIR PROFESSION!! Excellent Role Models, for young girls, to grow up and proudly follow in their footsteps!! A young, new wife and mother, also does not need some kind of crazy idea of “perfection,” she simply needs to proudly contribute her best! We need the “June Cleavers” of the world so desperately– and do not need the immature, cold, self-centered “feminists,” at all!!
The Catholic wife and mother, before the 1960s and Second Vatican Council– had plenty of time, for daily Mass, or for making a Visit to the Blessed Sacrament, or for involvement in various parish groups. The role of the good Catholic wife and mother, with the Blessed Mother as her Role Model, was so very close to God, just like the Madonna! She was the center, the heart, of her family— and of all civilization, too!! She spent a lot of time daily with her children, and lovingly taught her children everything— including the Faith! And she would be the one to gather the family, for daily recitation of the Rosary! Her family would gather for breakfast, sometimes lunch— and dinner together. Especially during a leisurely, long dinner hour, the family could relax together, savor the food, discuss many things, the children could listen and learn to express ideas, and could also learn their manners! Lifelong bonds of family love, would be deeply established! And in those days– mothers always wore a pretty dress, and looked so nice!
CCC: ” 2252 Parents have the first responsibility for the education of their children in the faith, prayer, and all the virtues. They have the duty to provide as far as possible for the physical and spiritual needs of their children.”
CCC: ” 2226 Education in the faith by the parents should begin in the child’s earliest years. This already happens when family members help one another to grow in faith by the witness of a Christian life in keeping with the Gospel.
Family catechesis precedes, accompanies, and enriches other forms of instruction in the faith.
Parents have the mission of teaching their children to pray and to discover their vocation as children of God. The parish is the Eucharistic community and the heart of the liturgical life of Christian families; it is a privileged place for the catechesis of children and parents.”
Parents who neglect their duties to their children must confess these sins.
A mother (or father) who works just to have a bigger home, newer car, and other non-essential material things and neglects her children – is not a good parent. These things will not help your children get to Heaven for eternity – which should be your ultimate goal.
Your children will remember the good dinners and good dinner conversations long after you are gone.
They will also remember your being too “busy” for them, and if you throw junk on the table.
When I grew up, a long time ago, we sat down to dinner every evening. Since my mother worked, Dad and I were usually the cooks. My wife’s family always sat down to dinner nearly every evening. Our family sat down to dinner nearly every evening, even when my wife worked. If it was a choice of dinner or some other activity, dinner usually won, or we ate after the school activities. Never take-out, pizza or fast food. Always a complete meal. The dinner table is where you raise your family. That is when you discussed the day’s events, local politics, etc. That was where you made plans for CCD, Sunday Mass, etc. Too busy is an excuse for being unwilling to put the family first. To paraphrase, I never knew anyone who’s grave stone said “i wish I had spent more time at the office.” I take a certain pride that my daughter’s families sit down to dinner nearly every evening. Sometimes we have to ask what is most important, soccer practice or family.
I enjoy cooking for my family, and we enjoy having family and guests over for dinner. Often I hear, wow how did you find the time. Well we have to eat right? Plus people just get lazy to cook today. Well I think it depends on the city or area people live in. People even get jealous when you cook a complete meal from scratch. Why is there such an ugly competition amongst women? I have had to endure even jealous sister in laws, who hated me when their husbands loved coming to our house for dinner because they simply missed a good home cooked meal from their own wife’s. Its not about showing off or being in competition, its sad that I even have to defend it, but its about doing it because you love your family and love our Lord. When you serve others, you also serve Christ. So cooking the meals, inviting a priest over for dinner, friends and family, our children also see the importance of serving others, it gathers like minded people together and it sets a good example.
Yes I get caught up in the hectic busy lifestyle at times, but still try to make dinner time a time to say grace, and have the family together. To slow down and be grateful for what we have. It may not always happen the way we like, but at least we make it a priority. I think that its our duty to at least try. Growing up my mum usually did all the cooking but there were times my dad helped too. Always the best memories. They did it with love. My mum always taught me to pray over the meals while we cook them. Christ always being the center of it all.
One funny thing that I remember, is that when family members were first married, the new husband often would want his wife to cook dishes his mother made, when he was a child– whether his mom was a good cook, or not! This situation could get tricky, if your spouse was from a different background or culture! But what I most remember, was not the cooking ability, but the love, of various family members and relatives, all through the years, and the good times shared! It is truly the presence of Christ that is most important, and the bonds of love! The cook’s ability is secondary to that! Also, we all were told as children, we must eat everything on our plates, try to eat most of any foods we did not like, and never discuss foods we disliked. We must honor the hard-working cook, with a warm-hearted “thank you!” Food, we were told, is primarily for nourishment of our bodies, while the pleasure of eating is secondary. We also prayed for all the starving poor children, who were going to bed hungry, that night!