Many men underestimate the impact of their attachment to pornography. I’m not trying to villainize anyone, for I know first-hand the power that pornography can have over one’s life. In fact, most of the men that I know are repulsed by the idea of pornography and are disgusted with themselves for falling to it.
But it has contributed to a deeper problem.
Often, men have become exposed to pornography early in life. Their use of it predates their relationship with their wife/girlfriend, and is therefore not because of their wife/girlfriend. The shame and guilt that follows does not help men become healthy, strong, and virtuous. Rather, they point a man towards continued escapism. After all, who wants to look in the mirror and not like who they see? Or see that they are a failure? As such, pornography can be seen as a form of self-medication. It just happens to be a medication that kills the soul and relationships.
Understanding the roots of some people’s desire to escape into pornography does not excuse anyone from their choices to self-medicate in this way. Likewise, it’s not to undermine the feelings of betrayal experienced by women when their husband/boyfriend falls to that temptation. Those feelings need to be acknowledged. However, a deeper understanding of the roots might help women become less inclined to believe the lie that it is because they are not good enough, or are undesirable – even if a man were to say something as horrible as that. For women who do struggle with feelings of betrayal on account of their boyfriend’s/husband’s pornography use, please check out Bloom.
In the meantime, the pornography epidemic has created a dearth of good, holy men, who would be suitable for holy marriage. And this means there will be greater proportion of virtuous women who, in upholding a reasonable standard of holiness (while not expecting anyone to be perfect), aren’t finding a suitable man to marry.
Choosing to remain in the single state, “in waiting” for future holy marriage (not implying a “vocation to the single life”) may be the way to greater joy. The alternative would be to succumb to the desires of the flesh (and or season of life) oneself and engage with a man who seeks the passions of the flesh above holiness. To enter into a relationship like this, however, would inhibit the possibility of a couple ever being able to enter first and foremost into the passions of the spirit, anchored on God, while modeling Trinitarian spousal love by way of fully and joyfully giving themselves to one another in accordance to God’s authorship – without anyone feeling used or objectified, without any anxieties about inadequacy, and without any fear of being rejected.
Why would anyone settle for a love less than that?
The more that marriage to a spouse is idolized, however, the greater the despair among those who desire marriage but who never enter marriage. The more that holiness is elevated to be one’s primary pursuit, the less of a sting will foregone marriage be, for the lack of a marriage will not as much be seen as a failure to fulfill one’s purpose in life. That is, those pursuing holiness above marriage are in a better position to weather the true and justified storm of emotions that may arise on account of never having that deep desire for marriage ever being fulfilled.
This is not to say that foregone marriage shouldn’t be grieved, but rather simply that a holy marriage should be the after-effect of first seeking God and holy relationships overall…..
The above comes from a Feb. 24 story on the Diocese of Santa Rosa website by The Chastity Project.
The church has a big problem with hardly any marriages being celebrated by Catholics in Catholic churches anymore. It’s not because of pornography. It’s because 90% of young people leave the church when they are no longer living with their parents. They reject the Catholic Church’s moral doctrine on sex. Many cohabit without getting married; among those who marry, most marry civilly in secular ceremonies or in religious ceremonies for other denominations. Yes, it’s a big problem, and pornography has almost nothing to do with it.
Aside: I can’t stand that while typing this comment the comment box shifts up and down. Please fix that.
There is another problem, often not confronted by the families or the Church. What do you think of, when someone wants a Church wedding?
Why, its the elaborate wedding dress, the women friends all dressed identically in beautiful gowns, the best man, in a Tuxedo, the Church all decorated by a florist, a pianist and singer, a wedding cake in an expensive restaurant, a rental limousine, gifts to the Priest and Church, the list goes on.
How well does that conform to reality? – the reality is that often the young married to be couple are often without much money, and can’t really expect much.
This is a very powerful incentive NOT to have a Church wedding.
There has to an awareness of this fact, by every Church, and there has to be a way of stating that “This will be a simple wedding, please, no flowers, no gowns” And this has to be put forward by the Church from the start, and that they can’t expect much money from the couple, and that the wedding has to be simple, much like funerals are done now, without flowers or much elaborate ceremony.
In other words, it should be stated by the Church in a very visible way, in bulletins, on a web site, or posted on boards
” For A Simple Wedding Ceremony – ask your priest” We want you!
Young couples, and parent and families, need to know that they can have a quiet inexpensive Church wedding without fear of embarrassment
As a musician who works at a church, I expect to be paid a professional rate for a professional service. Do young people get discounts on cars or lawyers or plumbers or realtors because they don’t have money? No. If the couple wants to go without music, fine. But if they want music, don’t expect to go cheap on the talent because “it’s the church.” Church employees suffer enough as it is with poverty wages. Think again if I’m going to give a cut rate to a couple that spends $600 on a cake, $1,000 or more on flowers, $1,500 on a wedding dress, $500 on a limo, $600 on a DJ, many thousands on a caterer, $2,000 on a photographer, and so on.
If they want a simple wedding, fine. Weddings are big business, though, and I’m getting my cut of the pie if I’m going to be asked to work.
This is not an attempt to end a standard marriage, with music, limos and flowers,, You deserve to be paid. If what you said is added up,
it is about $5300, with more to be added on, probably 7 to $8000 total.
Now you should think about those who can’t afford their rent and basics, and so also can’t afford your services.
Perhaps if they remain Catholics, get married in the Church, with an inexpensive service, this will keep the Church healthy
and functioning. Right now, we have maybe 80 people at Mass, where there used to be hundreds… Will your service even
be needed, with the continued decline of attendance at Mass?
Faithful Catholic here. Single at 51 and never married. Pursuing holiness didn’t help me. I kinda wished I had sinned more in my youth. Then maybe I’d be married. So miserable. You youngin’s… it won’t happen if you don’t make it happen, and to make it happen you have to sin at least a little in today’s society, which expects sex very soon in dating. Purity is a recipe for being a spinster or a confirmed bachelor.
Anonymous– sorry, no one in this world, is a dumbbell, condemned to follow the ways of sin, in a Godless, filthy, criminal society. Better go have a talk with your priest. A life of sin will destroy your life– body and soul. Any immature young man who insists that you compromise your virginity — all for the selfish creep, not grown up enough yet to date and respect a girl– should be thrown out of your life, ASAP. Marriage requires lots and lots of grown-up maturity.
You know how many married people wish they were single?
I am sorry that you are miserable.
Keep pursuing holiness.
Unless you made a vow, you can still get married and you do not need to sin to make it happen.
Are you on Facebook? Try Single Catholics looking for a spouse.
You could try Catholic Match but everybody I know who used it did not find someone on it..
Try a traditional Mass.
You do not have to have sex. I cringe every time somebody says there is a 3 date rule or a 5 date rule or even a 90 day rule. That is a recipe for misery.
Figure out what is making you so miserable. Because chances are marriage won’t fix it..
It seems to be the scroll of pictres in the related posts section that is causing it.
Anonymous– since the filthy, lawless, violent, anti-Christian, anti-society 1960s, kids have been brainwashed by sick, rebellious, beatnik and hippie activists, immoral, lawless, dope-taking, promiscuous derelicts in rock bands, radical, sick women’s libbers, and many other sick, liberal radicals– to join them all in lowering themselves to the gutter, and becoming juvenile delinquents and criminals. Today, one out of every three Americans have criminal records– about as many Americans today, as have college diplomas! The media has actually participated in marketing rock groups, dirty movies and tv shows, rebellion, dope, promiscuity, and crime, turning it into a cheap, filthy money-maker, as a “glamorous fashion” for insecure kids. Sick, radicalized, immature, immoral liberal “freaks” in psychology, education, and humanistic fields in academia, have likewise participated, turning America into a hopeless, filthy sewer. No manners, no morality, no God, no responsibility– just “please yourself,” like a rebellious 2-year-old baby, going through the “no” period, with tantrums. Marriage carries with it social norms, requiring lots of maturity, and readiness for adult responsibilities. Not rebellion, a filthy, immature, lawless life, promiscuity, dope, and etc. Yes, weddings have always been expensive. And families of all income levels have always saved up, and provided expenses. A wedding is a beautiful event, worth waiting for, and worth doing properly and right. It is a holy Sacrament of our Church– a once-in-a-lifetime event. Traditionally, the family of the Bride has always footed the bill for the wedding. Before that, the groom-to-be saves up about two months of his salary, and buys his fiance an engagement ring, and asks her to marry him. The two get together with both of their families, and get to know everyone. They see the priest, take pre-Cana or similar classes, and make all arrangements. Mature young people planning a wedding, are ready for adult responsibilities, to include establishing a good home and family– parenthood is just around the corner! Sex is respected as a responsibility of Marriage and Parenthood, and mature young people are self-controlled and morally responsible. You cannot marry an immature, immoral juvenile selinquent, who lives a terrible life of promiscuity, dope, pornography, and lawlessness. A fine young lady does not want him as a future husband and father of her precious children– no way!
I agree with you about the evil of of society, schools, and the media. Disgusting, wicked, criminal, lacking morality….you are correct.
Now to return to a discourse about the possibility of an inexpensive wedding. A little reality here, about families saving up. and funding weddings.
For my wedding, I got Zero (0) from my bride’s family. My dad gave me $35. That was it. We have done OK, but do you think maybe we should have had a nice Church wedding? With limos, music, gowns, a banquet? I’m not at all complaining here. We needed that toughness in our lives, the ability to make it on our own, to live a good life, even on a bare minimum. And a reminder to young people that starting off at rock bottom is OK, just keep at it, do not give up, and always believe in God, and the help from Our Lady, and always give money to charity and the Church. But also, perhaps the Church should think about giving a helping hand to young people without resources, and one way is a quiet Church wedding.
Anonymous, the Bride’s family traditionally pays for the wedding, and the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner, and all the groom’s necessities– tux rental, groomsmen’s needs, etc. Thr groom should be well-established in a good job, prior to Marriage, and he must pay for the engagement and wedding ring for her, and the honeymoon, and other things. They must be prepared for a decent future! That is one big question the priest will ask! It does not have to be extravagant, you do not need a limo, etc.– but even poor people, and poor immigrants, too, manage to save up for a lovely, modest Church Wedding, and are do proud and thrilled over it! The Bride’s mom may even help make a beautiful Wedding Gown, and her Bridesmaids’ dresses, too! And they can do lots of creative things, for the Reception! Amodest but beautiful Church Wedding is a must, for the lovely young Catholic couple! Catholic families likewise foot the bill for First Communions and Confirmations for their children! Even modest-but-lovely celebrations! Yes!
And how about Baptism? I have attended many lovely Baptism celebrations, after a baby’s Baptism, in the Church.
The bride’s family traditionally pays for the wedding. Mine did not. And the groom established with a good job?
What about now? How about that – All those people not able to get jobs now? Two young people just left our Church, and are moving to Texas – where they can get jobs. Of course you are worried, as a professional musician. But that does not mean that all young people have the money to hire you for their wedding.
Anonymous– Purity is a “must” for everyone. It takes “three to get married”– the Bride and Groom– and Jesus Christ. Marriage is a holy Sacrament–and must not be defiled by sin. A good prospective future husband is mature, self-controlled, and respects a girl. Otherwise– forget it! God always comes first in our lives. Pray and seek His Divine Will– He has a life path for each of His children. Accept whatever He gives you, in Faith, as being the right thing for you– because He always knows best, for His children. Don’t be disappointed– God loves us, and will give us all we need, for this life– and happiness, too!– yet, according to His Plan for us. Keep praying, and you will see–He is very, very good, and all will be well. He always compensates beautifully, too, for our losses– just pray, and seek His answers. He never, never wants us to sin, to fulfill our life’s calling.
Get married young and have children early. Pornography is a huge problem but less if you are 19 and full of life.
The Catholic Church should marry and baptize anyone who asks for it, no questions asked if they can go forth and multiply.
Gratias, the Catholic Church is not a secular “marriage machine!” Marriage is a holy Sacrament! You have to go and see your parish priest about all the requirements, as a Catholic, for Marriage. Hopefully, you are a member of his parish.
I agree with your comment about getting maried young.My wife and I got maried relitivly young and had 5 children.Now we have been married over 45 yrs. and loving one another more than we did 20-30-or 40 yrs ago.God is good.Put your trust in Him.
I wonder how many women have viewed porn? Any comments on the effect on them?
As far as lavish Church weddings, I think a lot of money gets wasted that could better pay down student debt, or a downpayment on a house, etc.
No, mikem– A wedding is a precious, unforgettable, once-in-a-lifetime event! It should be a family affair, with both families helping with the celebration! It should rightfully be beautiful– but it doesn’t have to be costly. The most special day of the couple’s whole lives! Save up for that big day! The Bride’s family traditionally foots the bill. But many suitable arrangements can be made. Families can also help the newlyweds with other expenses, like getting arrangements made for their new home together.
mikem– Never heard of a woman viewing filthy pornography. Such a woman must be extremely low, in the gutter, a prostitute, dope addict, rock band “junkie,” juvenile delinquent or criminal– all in need of rehabilitation.
Yes, women use porn. I am sure you can guess the effect it has on them. I think most women may prefer softer stuff like romance novels, rom-coms, pictures of men with clothes on.
Sorry, Anonymous– good, decent women– especially Catholics!– despise filthy pornography! As a good Catholic, you should only socialize with good women of excellent Christian moral standards!
I only socialize with CCD commenters. I hope you all are decent.
Great comments. I add hopefully another: Our goal is to get our spouse and the children one is blessed with to heaven. All guided by our Catholic faith..
Self-control is a very important virtue to learn and practice. Self-gratification behaviors are for immature babies, “partying in the playpen,” seeking endless teen joyrides of irresponsible pleasure– not ready for responsibilities like Marriage. In Marriage, you are sharing a lifetime with a beloved spouse– not a cheap, worthless “Hollywood teen sex-queen”— plus, you have a lovely, growing family, of beloved children. Your wife and children depend on you, to be a responsible, mature, beloved husband and father! A good husband and father is mature, self-giving, and self-sacrificing– out of love. After Marriage, a man may have temptations at the office, or he may have temptations when on long business trips, or if he is in the military and is deployed in an area where his wife and children cannot join him, like the Middle East. Mature men always ignore such worthless “temptations” as total garbage. They miss their beloved wife and children, and can’t wait to get home to their beloved family– it means the world to them! Plus, one must learn maturity and self-control in all areas of life– relationships, money, food, drinking alcohol, driving a car, schoolwork, on-the-job, etc. etc. Best to learn self-control and maturity, when young.
It made me sick, “Catholic” former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s endless stream of adulterous affairs, even with his children’s Nanny, with whom he had an illegitimate baby, while his wife, Maria, also had a baby, that same year. Plus, it made me sick, when “Catholic” Gov. Gavin Newsom was SF Mayor, and also had numerous adulterous affairs, and even slept with his best friend’s wife– plus, he was a cocaine addict, who needed rehabilitation. Former Mayor Willie Brown (who had a number of adulterous affairs, including with VP Kamala Harris) was just as bad. The list of immoral politicians, including immoral presidents– like JFK and Bill Clinton– goes on and on. Our civic leaders need to be more mature, self-sacrificing, responsible, self-controlled, and chaste, respecting God and country, and honoring and cherishing their wives and families.
Tell it to God. I do. What does he do about it? He seems to reward them for their wickedness. They just live it up. Like that anonymous woman wrote above, people make things happen for themselves. What does God do for his faithful ones who hope and trust in him? Good and relevant question these days, when the faithful are suffering so much and the wicked are prospering so immensely.
They are not rewarded for their wickedness. They are punished. How does what God does to them effect you? Are you envious?
God knows how to treat each of His children. I read something once that God lets people who he knows are going to spend eternity suffering in hell to enjoy this life. He knows that nothing is going to turn them around and merciful as he is, he gives them less suffering here.
Read Psalm 37
Oh, yeah? I’m kind of with Kevin on this. I have a friend got married civilly because he couldn’t get an annulment. They go to communion like nothing’s wrong. They flout the church and pretend to be pious and lie about being married in the church. I broke off ties with them after telling them what they were did was wrong and patiently trying to help them see the light, but they wouldn’t reverse course. Their business grew to be worth over $20 million. They think God has blessed them and it’s a sign that they’re right in what they did and do. I think people of faith should look around and ask some big questions about the way the world is.
You “read something once”? Well, gee, that solves everything and answers every question. Speculation doesn’t help.
Young people are leaving the church because they don’t see it giving any good answers to help them understand life, right here, right now, today, in this world. The world is alluring. The threat of eternal punishment? Have to do better than that. The bishops don’t even seem to believe in that because they don’t preach about it. It all seems to be universal salvation. So if the bishops don’t care and don’t lead and don’t guide… what are the laity to think and do?
No one gets anything past God.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Amen, I say to you, it will be hard for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven.
Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:23-24
Christians are not supposed to be impressed by wealth; they should be worried by it.
The devil, the flesh and the world are the sources of temptations. Despairing because the world rewards evil is a temptation..
Anonymous, Maybe your people leave the church because they are using porn and they are ashamed to come before God. That is what this article is about. They could also be living in sin or doing something else they are ashamed of.
People believe in hell. Ask anyone where Hitler is. Or a school shooter or terrorist. Most people will tell you that they are in hell.
People don’t believe that their own sins are bad enough that they will go to hell.
Kevin, T. I understand that you are walking through something right now but imagine this:
Everyone in the world-everyone-is saintly. The Churches are full of saints. The priests and the bishops are saints. Everyone is living like they should-fighting temptations, praying well, feeding the hungry and visiting the sick and doing God’s will every day. No dissidents, no pro-choice politicians, it’s like heaven on earth.
What are you doing?
“You see evil growing instead of weakening?” Jesus says in this prayer. “Do not worry. Close your eyes and say to me with faith: ‘Thy will be done, You take care of it.’ I say to you that I will take care of it, and that I will intervene as does a doctor and I will accomplish miracles when they are needed.”
The Surrender Novena
The minimum wait time for a Catholic wedding is one year in almost every American diocese. That’s a tremendous burden and disincentive for young couples. I understand that the church wants to ensure couples don’t rush in to marriage, but one year minimum wait from meeting with a priest to the ceremony? Seems to me three months should do it unless there are annulment complications.
I think it is 6 months, usually. There is marriage prep and NFP classes. They cost money but I am sure that if a couple really wants to and cannot afford it, their parish has options for them. Some states give discounts on the marriage license if a marriage prep course is taken.
To Kevin T. and others– In Jesus day, and in centuries before, Jewish prophets loudly criticized the rich and powerful who were wicked and sinful, including the Pharisees, who sinned greatly– and warned of God’s punishments. The soul is what counts– rich or poor. It is the soul’s attachment and greed, or lust, for egoism, power, money and material things, that is the whole problem. One must love only God, and always rightly view wealth and material goods, as blessings from God’s bounty, to rightfully share with those in need– nothing is truly ours, in all Creation– all belongs truly to God, even our very bodies and souls! All of us must manage our state in life, and its material goods and responsibilities, as good stewards of all we are given by God, and use all of God’s gifts rightly, the way God desires, for our good and for the good of others– for the purposes of God, and for His greater glory. Riches and power are not “play money” and “me-me-me power” for egotistical, selfish, wrongful purposes. Positions of power, and stewardship of money and material goods, are huge responsibilities! Many Americans of today, falsely raised and educated in a land in which Christian truth and morality have been abandoned, are in for a huge shock, someday! Many are terribly ignorant, foolish, naive, simple-minded, babyish, corrupt, selfish, and “me”- oriented! They had better watch out– the Devil is waiting to devour them, right around the corner! As St. Paul stated, centuries ago– “The wages of sin is Death.” (Romans 6:23) Always!