The following is from a 14-minute homily on Sunday, March 16 by Father Joseph Illo, pastor of Star of the Sea parish in San Francisco.
Thanks to God for having Cardinal Burke and Archbishop Cordileone here yesterday for the Mass commemorating Chinese Cardinal Ignatius Kung’s death.
Our fundamental problem in the world today is loneliness. Our goal is to be a community with other people in heaven. Part of the loneliness is due to digital media. We must strengthen our real friendships. We must be near someone, in person. Heaven is being with other people.
Female self-harm ER visits tripled after the iPhone came out. Loneliness.
As we progress through Lent, let us work on community.
1. The family dinner. It’s tempting to miss one or two people. But one rule: No phones at the table. Steve Jobs wouldn’t allow it in his family.
If you’re not part of a family here, visit friends, make an effort.
2. Go to Mass together. It’s difficult for families with small children. But the goal is to go together. If alone, ask a friend to go with you.
3. Be loyal to your friendships. It’s tempting to ghost friends when things go south. The female hurts more when she is ghosted by a man. Never completely write someone out of your life. Even a Christmas card or birthday wish once in a while.
Having been involved in ministry to men for decades, it’s concerning to personally observe and learn of reports about men and friends. An alarming number of men report having no close friends. And, as one study indicated, “Research from the Survey Center on American Life indicates that the percentage of men with at least six close friends has fallen by half since 1990, from 55% to 27%. Additionally, the percentage of men reporting having no close friends has increased significantly, with some studies showing a fivefold increase since 1990.” The Los Angeles Times reported that one in seven men have not even one close friend. And, please don’t think we Catholics are exempt from this trend. We’re not. I’m thinking the situation may be similar for women. I just don’t know. And, I think every man needs at least one close male friend. And, three or four would be even better. I have a great wife, yet I still need a few men who are close enough friends to speak truth into my life, encourage me and hold me accountable. If you want to be part of the solution to this serious problem, check out what Catholic Men’s Fellowship of California is doing. They’re at
https://www.catholicmen.org/
I’m alone but not lonely. Most people aren’t worth the effort. I’ve been burned way too many times. I’ve seen married male friends burned by divorce way too many times. Why enter into a contract with a woman when the laws give her a financial incentive to break that contract with you after seven or ten years?
Men generally seem to be handling singleness much better than women, especially women over 35. When single women hit the wall, they lose their minds.
I agree that more people are alone today than ever before. Don’t really see that as a problem, though. With the right attitude, being alone is much better than being with complicated people. If you can fund uncomplicated, healthy people, good for you. If not, you’re better off without anyone.
Perhaps you meant to say– that you are better off without ABUSUVE people in your life– and IMMORAL people who commit terrible sins all the time, leading horrible lives. You need nice, NORMAL people with good values, and a good, decent moral conscience. Devout Catholics and other good Christians who are dedicated in service to Jesus Christ, is what is missing, here. The whole problem is that American society, today — even American churches– are filled with too many poorly-brought-up, liberal-indoctrinated, self-centered, ‘Me Generation,” abusive people, cruel and difficult to deal with– and immoral people who live horrible, sinful lives– promiscuity, birth control, abortion, pornography, drugs, gay sex partners, etc. Plus, there are too many God-rejecting, selfish, upwardly-mobile people with no values, since the 1960s era, out for themselves, who only love money, materialism, prestige, pleasure, and their “bucket list” for seeking all the selfish pleasures they can stuff their senseless, immature lives with. When someone or something bothers them too much—
they selfishly discard it– including friendships and marriage– as well as abortion and euthanasia. “Me-Me-Me and My Selfish Pleasure and Money” is all they want– the selfish, “Throw-Away” culture. This is because of the Satanic rebellion of the 1960s, initiated by immoral, immature, vengeful liberal misfits, out to re-make and destroy American society. Western culture has been hijacked by the Devil himself. “The Modern Wasteland.” Never buy into the ideas of sick, troubled, immoral and irresponsible misfits, that “America is a bad country,” or “Normal, masculine men are no good,” normal, feminine women are no good,” or “Traditional Marriage and Family is no good.” Do not let them brainwash you and rob you of good, common sense, and normal thinking. Get ahold of yourself, don’t be their “victim,” go out on your own, and find a few special, good people with good values to socialize a little with– especially, at yrour church– and stick with them– stick to just being with good people with good values. They don’t have to be that close, just try doing a little socializing with them, and see what you think. Volunteer for a good religious program, or good community program to help others, including kids, the elderly, the disabled, etc. Marriage is a Sacrament, a very serious, lifelong commitment, before the Altar of God– with Christ at the center. You must carefully think things through, and pray a lot, when deciding on a partner for the lifelong Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. It is only for mature people. It is not meant as a Godless, civil, social contract, for Godless, Church-rejecting, immature, immoral “Californiacated” liberals, with poor values– out for themselves. No– men do not “handle singleness well,” they suffer, they are lonesome. Many hurt from broken marriages. Widowers especially hurt a lot, and really need lots of good help. Mourning and missing their lost wives, they can barely make it through each day. Some lonesome men bury themselves in an 80-hour work-week, have poor nutrition, drinking problems, overweight problems, heart attacks, and may fall into awful sins— computer pornography, gay sex– if gay– or drugs, promiscuity and abortion of children they may father, etc. etc. Christ can help everyone to establish a good and healthy life, with good people, a good life of prayer and practice of the Catholic Faith. He is the One to turn to, waiting to help, always.
Amen. It doesn’t matter if you are a “good guy”. A woman will still divorce you. The odds are against you with today’s modern American women. You can do everything right, and they will still divorce you for the payday. It’s so sad what feminism has done to corrupt young women and marriages.
so sad, It seems you’re a man, is that correct? If so, I hope you have at least a few close men with whom you are friends. I’m not saying that all persons should be married. I hope women, single or married, have a few close women friends. Saints, mostly single, taught about the value of friendship. Fr. Illo is right, friendships are the answer to loneliness.
Anyone who has a Catholic marriage annulment or who is a divorced man or woman– has a hard time, socially. They are often lonely and feel rejected in some cases. That is because annulments/divorces are always taboo, no matter what era you live in. Especially for practicing Catholics or devout Protestants. People who are still married, raising families, may feel very insecure or wary of a lady who has an annulment or is divorced– she is now single and free, and is she going to do “wrong” things? Scary! Do the men– married or single– look at her, where she works? Are you afraid that your husband maybe looks at her? Do the men wonder about her, and fear she might do “wrong” things? Will she be lonely, will she now be “available,” and have a new boyfriend? Scary! Are you a little insecure and afraid that your marriage too, could end up this way? Are you insecure about her being around your growing children– a bad influence for them, maybe, especially as you are a Catholic family? Scary, for many. And a man with a Catholic annulment or a divorce also has a hard time, socially. Former married couples’ groups and activities and family activities now are now going to be hard. If the man had a role volunteering at church, Catholic or Protestant, or volunteering as a Scout leader or in sports for kids– he may feel some discomfort, now being in an annulled or divorced state. Is he still viewed as a good man? What happened to his marriage? Can he still maintain fruendships with his old married friends who are jappily married husbands and fathers, at the church or other places. Divorced/annulled men and women no longer “fit” into their former social groups. Sad. Those who are divorced or have annulments also may have new troubles, that can cause others to avoid them, sadly. They may have emotional troubles, financial troubles, and confusion about where each one is now going to live, perhaps one of them is now going to move far away (?) — plus, child support, alimony, child custody arrangements, a former wife needing more income and going back to work, and needing more childcare, children with emotional scars needing help, confused at school and at church– their social lives are now all torn up, too. If you are happily married and raising a family– do you feel awkward about a friend’s annulment or divorce, do you wonder how to respond, must you “take sides?” How do you handle single parents, at church, or other places, socially– can you still be friends with the “missing” single parent? Both of them, if still living in town, may have to decide who will stay in a former church and former family social group with the kids– it will no longer be comfortable, with both parents still at the same parish church and family social groups– awkward. And children of divorced/annulled parents suffer the most. There are support groups for single parents, and Catholic men’s groups, to help annulled/divorced Catholic men. If you and your spouse were denied a Church annulment, you will each have special problems, and will need help from your priest. You both may be denied the Sacraments. And be advised to remain single and chaste, if you cannot get back together. Your Catholic children will be expected to receive Catechism classes and be prepared to receive all the Sacraments, and must be at Mass on Sundays and holy days. Etc. A painful life lies ahead– for the annulled/divorced man, woman, and suffering children. Women suffer the most financially, and are really vulnerable, emotionally. It is really very hard for single annulled/divorced women. Their parents and family, if church-goers– Catholic or Protestant— may also disapprove of them. Divorce is a sin, and annulments are not viewed favorably. Very awkward. Some parents and family members may even try to deviantly get the broken marriage partners back together. I have also known Catholic as well as Protestant moms who were heartbroken over the loss of beloved daughters-in-law, and loss of beloved grandchildren, too— and told them that they and the kids would always be welcome in their home, and a place for them and the kids would always be waiting, at their dinner table– please, please, do remember that, always! Regardless of my son and the annulnent/divorce!! Very poignant!
Skip the drama. Stay alone.
OK, you posted anonymously, but are you Lucifer?
If not, relationships are important, even essential. You won’t be alone in heaven, though you might be in hell. Your choice.
As a faithful, practicing Catholic man, annulled, it is extremely hard to make friends when divorced. Non-divorced do not understand our situation; they hand out well meaning platitudes that work in their world, not ours. God will have to provide because our society, and sadly our Church, don’t provide support. Women, on the other hand, have it easier as it’s their nature to socialize & build community.
I like the mixed 12-step groups I attend in recovering from my addiction, but man-nothing beats the men only meetings. Especially when everyone in the room is serious about their spiritual growth, no matter what painful path it may take you.
Yes, friendships are the answer to loneliness especially if they are very good friends you can count on in times of trouble. On the Feast of St. Joseph pray for us and protect us in times of trouble.
Reply to: Annulled/divorced – very hard! I wish we could all be happily married.
I once knew of a young, devout Southern Baptist woman, who had an English Lit. degree from UCBerkeley, who asked if she could come to a Catholic Mass with me. She was divorced, no kids, and was also interested in the Catholic Faith. She seemed to know the Bible very well, and had grown up in a large family, taught to memorize Scripture passages. Her mother had recently died of cancer, and her father had died a few years before that, of heart problems. She felt alone in the world, although she had several siblings– all married and doing well. She told me that Baptists believe divorce is a sin. If you are a Baptist minister, Sunday School teacher, or have any job or volunteer work at a Baptist church, and get a divorce, you will lose your job. And all divorced Baptists must remain single and chaste, never re-marry. She cited several Scripture references as reasons for Baptists’ beliefs on divorce. She said that the Baptists only accept divorce in two cases– adultery (or other serious sexual sins) or spousal abandonment, with no expectation to return or provide spousal support. In her case, her ex-husband had had an affair. She was still young, and remained chaste and single, and was wary of re-marriage, although in some Baptist churches, a person who is divorced due to adultery or abandonment, may re-marry. She went with me to several Catholic Masses, and had several long and interesting conversations, with several priests. She seemed well-informed. She never converted, but said that she found peace and a place to pray, in a traditional Catholic church. There are also other Protestant denominations with strict beliefs on marriage and divorce.
I once ate at In-N-Out Burger but they messed up my order.
I did not give you an up or down thumb because it depends on the branch of the Baptist church whether or not they are strict. My experience is that the Southern Baptists are more conservative than some of the others, while some are way out in left field. Of course, that could be said of any branch of Christianity.
The reason I contributed this comment, “Baptists are strict on marriage/divorce”– is that there are other Christian denominations that believe in the indissolubility of Christian Marriage, and do not believe in divorce, they believe that Christian Marriage is forever– similar to our Catholic beliefs. The Southern Baptists are very strong in their Biblically-based, Christian beliefs. They are also very strong on chastity for the unmarried, and lifelong chastity for the divorced. They also do not allow women ministers, but women can teach Sunday School classes to other women, and to children, as well as Bible Studies. Very similar to our Catholic Faith. It is all Biblically-based. For those of you cowards who ignorantly marked four “down-thumbs” to this comment — it is good to educate yourselves about the world and about other Christian believers. Do not be so ignorant. Try to understand, that there are many non-Catholic Christian believers in our Nation’s capital– like House Speaker, Mike Johnson, a devout Southern Baptist– who are very aligned with Catholics, and who stand strongly with us on Christian Morality– such as Pro Life, defunding Planned Parenthood, Pro Christian Marriage (one man/one woman), etc. . Do not be ignorant.
Anne TE– You missed my whole point! I I was only referring to one young woman, that I once knew, long ago, and what she told me, about her Southern Baptist beliefs, deeply held, and Biblically-based. She told me also, that most of the Baptists–various types– believe strongly in Chastity for the unmarried, and the indissolubility of Marriage, except in cases of adultery and spousal abandonment. Being divorced, she practiced Chastity, and led a good life, praying and reading her Bible daily, and attending her church regularly. She also was an “A” student in school, and quietly but staunchly stood by her Christian principles in classes at UCBerkekey. This resulted in many of her fellow students quietly standing with her in classes, saying that they believed the same things, and were Christians, too. I found that just wonderful! At that time, nobody bothered them, as might be the case, in today’s evil-infested educational institutions. I was told that other Baptist congregations may accept women ministers, but not the Southern Baptists– they stick to Biblical beliefs on that. Just like in our Church, Christ calls only Catholic men to the priesthood. This young woman was also interested in the Catholic Faith, and asked to go with me to a Catholic Mass. Catholics and Southern Baptists have similarities on Christian Morality, straight from the Bible. They also believe strongly in Pro Life. And Southern Baptists do not accept the LGBTs and gay “marriage,” transgender beliefs, and gay adoptions with gay “families.” As they are aligned with us on much of Christian Morality, that is very helpful for our country. I think that’s great! I didn’t know all of this before. They, too, are working on getting rid of Planned Parenthood and abortion, and are working on getting rid of sex-ed, Drag Queens, pornography, LGBT and transgender evils, etc. in our schools. Children must be protected from all evils. I was informed that Anglicans in the UK, and Episcopalians in the U.S., state in their churches, that they, too, cannot officially approve of divorce, due to Biblical teachings– and you may need special permission, if divorced, to get re-married, in many Anglican or Episcopal churches– their guidelines may vary. But they do accept that marriages, though indissoluble, in Biblical teachings– can break down, so they try to accept that– that is their way, not ours. They do not seem to have Marriage Tribunals to determine and pronounce marriage annulments. We also all know, from the news, that Anglicans and Episcopalians now accept women ministers, and gays, too. As a result, many UK Anglicans and U.S. Episcopalians have broken away from these churches, and have established their own churches, standing for Biblically-based, Christian teachings. That is as far as I’ve gotten, on this topic. Maybe you can contribute something from your own experience.
House Speaker, Rep. Mike Johnson, a devout Southern Baptist and Pro Lifer, brought me to tears, when he explained that he was born illegitimately in 1972, a year before Roe vs. Wade, in Shreveport, LA, to two high school juniors who had dated since the seventh grade. He is the eldest of four children. He said that although his parents’ friends had urged the unmarried couple to get an abortion, they didn’t want that— and he is so grateful. Bless him!
To Anne TE: I’m sorry the poster was so rude to you. It’s a pattern with that poster — his/her way or the highway.
Sigh– no, the poster is certainly not rude. You totally fail to understand and accept that all churches have their beliefs, rules and ways to operate. No, the poster is certainly not “rude” at all. The poster you dislike is very accepting of each church’s beliefs and practices, and listens to, respects, and admires dedicated Christians of different churches. “His/her way or the higgway?” No, you cannot read.
I was not offended by what “Southern Baptists are strict on marriage/divorce” said, as he or she was not talking to me when the poster got angry with those who gave him/ her a thumbs down as I had told the poster that I had not clicked on any of the thumbs. I agreed with most of what the poster said. I just wanted to express that many denominations, Lutherans, Methodists, Anglicans, etc. have split over the issues of divorce, attempts to marry people of the same sex and so forth. I was not offended by what anyone said to me but thank you “Sigh” for defending me none-the-less. Peace to all.
I think Boomers don’t realize that younger people have concluded that friendships aren’t all that. We have lots of possibilities for enrichment and personal growth in solitude. What was important to you all when you were young isn’t important to us. We have smart phones and audio and video streaming to connect to anything and anyone anywhere at anytime. We have AI. We have remote work. We don’t want to base our lives on a 9-5 M-F job that sucks all our life and energy. We do things on our own terms. Sorry you lived when you did. It’s much better today with technology.